"To Whom It May Concern"Why are you so far from me?
In my arms is where you are to be
How long will you make me wait?
I don't know how much more I can take
I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
Slowly counting down the days
Till I finally know your name
The way your hand feels round my waist
The way you laugh, the way your kisses taste
I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
How I do
How I do
I've missed you but I haven't met you
Oh how I miss you but I haven't met you
Oh but I want to
Oh how I want to
Dear whoever you might be
I'm still waiting patiently
I recently stumbled upon this blog post and was shaken by the idea of "being alone and not lonely."
More investigation led me to this video in another post on the same blog.
How To Be Alone by Tanya Davis
"But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it."
I want to learn how to love being alone. To run enthusiastically into a season of being alone and not lonely.
You see, for the longest time I have thought the goal was to be "content" in my singleness. And after 21 years of life, I think I can cross that off my checklist. I haven't always been able to say this, but today I am content.
But a new thought rattles my soul this week.
Did the Lord really come and pay my debt for me to be... content? I hope not. I believe he came to set me free, that I may have joy and live life to the fullest!
I won't settle any longer for simply content. I want to be free and full to to top. So full, overflowing, I can't contain it.
I want to move into a new season of ecstatic. Where I can't keep from smiling... in the morning when I wake up and get ready for work, at the grocery store, on New Year's Eve at midnight when couples are kissing, when it's snowing or sunny or raining, at weddings and parties, at church on Sunday mornings, and when I crawl into my little twin bed at night in my pajamas and glasses.
I want to enjoy every minute of this "alone" season. I'm not okay with the thought of waking up years from now with my family one day, and think back on this time and only be able to say... I survived. I want to remember this time of life as being adventurous and brave and bold and sweet and full and rich.
I don't want to just be... I want to live.
I want to run and cry and laugh and learn.
I want to learn to love deeply and love well.
I want to be a better friend.
I want to rally and fight and grow and heal.
I want to create.
To serve, to do something bigger than me, to be a part of what God is doing in the world.
To be uncomfortable. I want to stretch.
I want to freely dream and courageously chase after those dreams.
I want to live a life that people notice is different and wonder why.
I want to lead with a soft voice, to learn the balance of gentle boldness.
I want to be unabashedly feminine, strong and mighty and still okay with vulnerability.
I want to follow well and love submission.
I want to be a prayer warrior.
I want to be okay with silence.
I want to hear God's voice more clearly and speak his life and truth over those around me.
I want to be a hard worker, to love discipline, to go the extra mile.
I want to proclaim God's faithfulness and see his provision in everything.
I want to help lead people into healing and growth and freedom as I move there myself.
I want to be all the Lord created me to be and I want to learn to love this woman.
It's time. Time to act. To breathe. To cry and yell and laugh and dance. To be okay, to not be okay. To have joy, to feel pain. To move forward regardless.
my heart is overwhelmed today
the unchanging love of my sweet saviour
is too much to bear.
though I cannot comprehend it
I am
at the same time fully known
and completely adored
by the maker and sustainer
of everything that is.
he created every fiber of my being
knit me together in my mother’s womb
breathed life into my lungs
and named me his.
and oh, how the Artist loves his masterpiece.
Beauty himself calls me lovely.
and he is always with me
he sees my every move
my every thought
... even the unfaithful thoughts
and the ways I betray him.
and yet his love is immovable;
he rejoices over me with singing
and commands his angels
to bend down and listen
as I worship him.
all of my days are known by him
no trial I encounter surprises him.
I trust in the God who is able to shield me from all things
and the God who sometimes chooses not to.
I praise him in joy and in pain
because his perfect will
and his good leadership are not defined by my circumstances.
he promises to work all things together for my good
and restore all that has been broken and lost
he set(s) me free from captivity
even from the chains that I often willingly carry.
he is the redeemer of my past
fills my todays with adventure
and gives me hope for the future.
and my God keeps his promises.
I cannot wrap my small mind around it.
I will never understand it.
but my heart recognizes it as the whole truth.
everything that I am aches
to see him in his glory
I am altogether undone and overcome
you take my breath away
and you respond
you calm my restless heart
with a peace that surpasses all understanding.
for this too shall pass
he will come for me
and on that glorious day
we will be one
I will be in your presence
and we will walk together in the cool of the day
as you always intended for us
heart and soul complete at last
May the LORD judge between you and me. And may the LORD avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you. 1 Samuel 24:12
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles; or the LORD will see it and be displeased, and turn His anger away from him. Proverbs 24:17-18
For the LORD is our judge, the LORD is our lawgiver, the LORD is our king; it is he who will save us. Isaiah 33:22
But you, LORD Almighty, who judge righteously and test the heart and mind, let me see your vengeance on them, for to you I have committed my cause. Jeremiah 11:20
Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is MINE, I will repay," says the Lord. Romans 12:19
Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God. 1 Corinthians 4:5
You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:38-48
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The Lord is judge, not us. Period. Revenge is not ours to seek out. Judgement belongs to God. I have a hard time dishing out comments like "He got what he deserved" when I think about the fact that I too am a sinner and deserve death just as much as Bin Laden. Romans says that ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.
I cannot justify the things Bin Laden did. (Just like I can't justify the things I have done.) And I am not diminishing the pain he has caused so many. (I cannot justify the pain I have caused either.) His sin does not make it ok for us to be jumping around and dancing in the streets, ecstatic because he died. Was Osama Bin Laden not made wonderfully and fearfully (Psalm 139) and in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) just like you and I? Did Christ not die for all people, including Bin Laden?
I believe that the Lord grieves with the families of those whose lives have been taken directly and indirectly by Bin Laden and the lives of soldiers who have given their lives to defend our country in the decade since the 9/11 attacks.
I also believe that he grieves the loss of a son that he does not get to spend eternity with.
The past few weeks and months I have been feeling a familiar call to begin dreaming again. I've been traveling to St. Louis quite a bit recently, including several trips to see Marida in the hospital. (You can read about her story here.) And each time I find myself navigating around St. Louis, I feel something inside me wake up. I'm sure I must have been made for the city, and my poor heart has just been drowning in southeast Missouri all of my life :) Somehow this led to a leisurely walk around Target two days ago with Miss Rachel Beise, dreaming of how we'd decorate our apartment, who we'd have over for dinner, and what we would name our cat. You know, if we lived in the city, of course.
I haven't always been too fond of dreaming. In fact, I once would have thought such behavior was silly, dangerous even.
Last summer I traveled with the Beises to Chattanooga, visiting family for the fourth of July. I remember walking over the bridge arm-in-arm with Rachel, talking about how much we'd love to live there. I have not since moved to Tennessee, but something funny changed in me that day. I felt the Lord whisper to my guarded heart that it was safe to dream. You see, it truly can be a very scary thing. I find I am often too afraid to even go there, scared I will be let down if they don't become truth in my life. And on occasion, I fear that my heart will become so ravished by some certain dream that I will be compelled to act, and will find that I don't actually have what it takes to carry out my dreams. The act dreaming is very brave, and going for a dream takes great courage.
So in faith, I began dreaming... Almost a year later, I have such a sweet collection of dreams for my life. Each of them are dear to me and yet I hold each one loosely because I know the God who put those desires in my heart has bigger and better dreams for me than my small, young mind could ever imagine or piece together. Even if none of the dreams I have now become a reality in my lifetime, I know as long as I am dreaming with the Lord my life will be sweet and full and I will be happy as ever.
What do you dream of when you let your heart and mind run wild?
The name of my blog comes from a Shane & Shane song called Beauty for Ashes. The song lyrics have their roots in Isaiah 61, one of my favorite passages in scripture. If you get a chance, read the whole chapter, it's good stuff.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
Many Christians believe that Christ died for our salvation, and he did, but that is not the end of the story. In his great mercy, he died so that we could be set free! And sadly, free is probably the last word that the world would use to describe the church today. The Lord desires healing for his children from the brokenness of our pasts. He longs for us to be free from the chains we too often willingly carry. Chains to sin, unforgiveness, regret, shame... So in the context of this God who loves us enough to suffer on our behalf, look at this passage of scripture as a love poem, our God, a fierce lover, coming to reclaim his bride from the enemy. But not only is this the story of how our saviour came for us; it is a call to all people who claim his name. As the body of Christ, this is what we should look like to the world! We have good news to proclaim! We know brokenhearted captives. We have friends and family trapped in darkness.
I am just a twenty-year-old learning how to be a woman of God. I mess up, often, but his grace abounds. I grew up in the church but only truly committed my life to him four summers ago. Then in the fall of '09, through a quick series of events my whole life kind-of turned upside down. As strange as it sounds, I'm very thankful for that time because it began a healing process in me that was long-overdue. The past year and a half has honestly been the hardest season of my life but also the most full of joy and hope and light. I'm beginning to live in a freedom that I never knew existed, freedom from things I didn't even know held me captive. I have seen healing in relationships that I had almost given up hope on. My God has proven himself more than faithful. As he is redeeming my past, he is drawing me closer to himself. And as he is making us new, he says we will be like oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.
I know that my story is no more extraordinary than yours. We are all broken and in need of a saviour. I still have much room to learn and grow. So I invite you into this movement that I'm in (or that we're all in) from brokenness to restoration. God is making everything new! And that is certainly good news worth sharing!
